Does This Get Your Attention?

I have tried warning you. I have tried talking to you. You think I don’t ever listen. You believe I don’t care! Okay, let’s lay this shit out. Yes, I have fucked up in many ways this year. I have taken responsibility for that. I have prayed, cried, and forgave my dumbass actions. I have shown that I love you by being in the hospital with you. I have checked on you when you were healing. I have loved on you even when you were talking to females to get a temporary off. I stuck around, like a dumbass in love, knowing you were talking with other women. I have tried correcting mistakes that were made. I have had to suck things up and forgive and let go of your “fuck-ups” because they don’t measure up to what I have done. I have stuck around when even the closest to you, bailed MORE THAN FUCKING ONCE. What you will not do is ONLY bring up things that are negative. You can and will acknowledge the positive involving me or you no longer have a “friend.” 

I have done a lot for you. I have continued to pray over you and your fucked up head. I have loved through pain NOT GUILT, you idiot. I have accepted the worse of you as well as the best. yet, you still spit in my face with small shit. You might not think you love or need me, but let me tell you, I’m more of a blessing in your life than a fucking curse. I have tried being nice. I have tried being civil. I have tried even doing something for myself and my healing. I have been chewed out for 85% of my behavior. Does that mean I should evaluate my behavior? I have done that. I have made changes for myself and learned to adapt to you. I have taken the parts that your family doesn’t even know about. I have seen THINGS YOUR BEST FRIENDS HAVE NOT SEEN! You find comfort with me! You confide in me! You have fallen asleep at peace near me! So, don’t continue to paint me in a terrible light because you let your wack ass friends and family (who don’t like me) corrupt your mind, that’s already fucked up. 

I have said all of that to say this, you have no idea what you’re losing if you choose to keep treating me this way. I have moved on and I’m continuing to heal. I have prayed for healing for you. I have lost count on how many times I have prayed and believed in growth and healing for both. I have lost count on how many heartaches and tears I have cried. I have lost count on how many times you have hurt me with your words, regardless if they are hurtful but I have chosen to love you through them. YOU AREN’T THE ONLY ONE WHO TOOK SOME DAMAGE THIS YEAR! YOU ARE SCARED AND INDECISIVE! YOU HAVE LESS FAITH THAN I DO! I HAVE BEEN CARRYING THE FAITH AND RESTORATION OF THIS ALL YEAR! I HAVE NOT RECEIVED ANY HOPE NOT EVEN WITHIN THE LAST FEW WEEKS. YOU FORGET I HAVE KEPT SECRETS! 

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING. I WILL NOT SACRIFICE MYSELF, HEART, MIND FOR SOMEONE WHO ISN’T WILLING TO TRY AND TRUST ME WITH HALF OF THAT. I HAVE GIVEN NO REASON NOT TO TRUST ME FOR THE LAST FEW MONTHS. I’m MORE THAN WORTH THE JUMP BECAUSE GOD IS KEEPING ME AND YOU. You’re just too much of a coward to admit that you’re still in love. I don’t let friends just stop by. I don’t let friends use my shower. I don’t let friends do certain things that you do. Lastly, unlike who you have fucked with in the past, I don’t make giant sacrifices or fuck my friends! That is an absolute no for me. So, you can make a choice. I will not continue to hurt myself in order for you to feel better. You are loved but you’re used to people giving up on you. I have let you know I’m here to work with everything. It’s a choice. Take it or leave it, but you won’t have me continuously going through heartache. This is not a threat. Don’t be malicious anymore or I will leak your disgusting past and present to everyone that plays a part in your future.